THE RISK ISSUE
We each have a list of things we’ll risk, and a list of things we — hell no — will not.
At midlife, we hold many more calculations in our head, experiences to pull from, to decide if the risk is worth it. We can better gauge where the line is, and the categories where we’ll tempt fate, and where we’ll hold our cards. I feel a little less risky as I’ve grown older; I’ve found myself looking for safety in uncertain times. Other friends feel that 52 years old is the moment to make that leap — the “If not now, when?” has become just a little bit more insistent.
At our event tonight and this month on TueNight.com we’ll be sharing stories of all sorts of risks that grown-ass women are making — from coming out, to road testing racy lingerie to ditching a life-long career for something quieter. We’ll start with stories from Carmen Rita Wong and Bridgett M. Davis tonight, and stay tuned for new stories in the forthcoming weeks.
Read more of Margit's note here.
THIS WEEK
Lava lamps...is there anything they can't do? (Image via Atlas Obscura)
This wall of lava lamps help encrypt the internet...no, really. A sobering look at the challenges of changing careers in midlife. It news that surprised exactly nobody, stress really can cause your hair to turn gray. Virginia no longer only for lovers, also for equal rights for women. For many of us, starting therapy seems so daunting, so here’s some help to get you started down that path. Ylonda Gault’s powerful piece about her abortion is an absolute must-read. A thing that made us go hmmmm...why can’t female superheroes wear ponytails?
Obsessed: Cheese By Numbers
Mmmmmmm...cheese (Images via Instagram)
I used to take my daily cheese indulgence hunched over a wrinkled wrapper, fervently shoveling some of the creamy stuff on to a random Wheat Thin. Not anymore (at least, not as often), thanks to CheeseByNumbers. The genius Instagram account by Brooklyn resident Marissa Mullen shows you how to arrange an aesthetically-pleasing and palate-exciting cheese boards step-by-step. Paint by numbers for cheese.
Now this may sound precious and elitist — do we really need someone to tell us how to put food on plate? But it’s clear this account is really about finding the beauty in life’s simplest moments, taking a moment to honor the gift of food, the act of providing sustenance. I’ve seen Mullen make cheese plates out of pricey hand-crafted artisanal cheese and meat, and I’ve also seen her assemble beautiful creations out of airline snacks or supermarket cheddars.
Mullen has a distinctive style. She favors a lot of berries and rosemary garnish. She has a beautiful and a specific way of folding and presenting meat she has dubbed the “salami river,” which, honestly, I probably will never have the patience to do (flat meat FTW).
But I don’t think she really expects anyone just to fill in the blanks according to her plans. They are merely there to inspire confidence in one’s own abilities and tastes. The message: You can do this, too. And Mullen says arranging a cheese plate can be therapeutic, as is the act of sharing it with friends.
So thank you, @cheesebynumbers, for reminding us to do a little better than wax paper and stale crackers in life: Take an extra minute to ponder your path. Arrange something with care. Share. Enjoy. That’s even more fun than cheese.
—Diane Davis Otter
TueNight 10: Kera Bolonik
Kera with David Lee Roth, when he visited her office
Age: 49
Quick bio: Kera is a writer and the editor-in-chief of DAME Magazine. She is at work on a book entitled GULLIBLE, which will be out from HarperCollins/Dey Street Books sometime in 2021.
Beyond the Bio: “They say that as you grow older you care less about what people think, and it's really true. I was so self-conscious and anxious, literally lost sleep scrutinizing conversations I'd had at work or parties, worrying I'd offended someone or sounded stupid. Now, I can barely remember conversations I had five minutes earlier; unless someone says something deliberately egregious, I usually let it pass. If we have to live amid such dark times, I feel better equipped to handle it now more than at any other point in my life. I'm finally at a point where I like where I'm at. But it feels fleeting, too, because my greatest anxieties now have everything to do with my parents' aging and my son learning how to navigate the brutality of the world without feeling overwhelmed by it.”
What makes you a grown-ass lady? There's a part of me that feels I only dabble in adulting, but nothing makes me grown-ass quite like a crisis. Or when my son is scared, and I need to pull it together to defuse his anxiety. That little face...
1. On the nightstand: Conflict Is Not Abuse, by Sarah Schulman
2. Can't stop/won't stop: Shopping for LPs. I can't pass up a deep perusal of a stack of records — for my birthday, I asked my wife and son for a gift certificate to a record store and two hours of quiet, interrupted stack-perusing time. That's it. That's what I wanted.
3. Jam of the minute: "All Night Long" by Mary Jane Girls. My 8-year-old son and I are deep in the ’80s right now.
4. Thing I miss: My metabolism. My ability to stay up late without physical repercussions. Though friends aren't things, I miss so many of them lost too soon, and I miss them most of all.
5. ’80s crush: I was so terrified of my sexuality in the 1980s, I didn't allow myself to articulate my crushes, so I can't answer this completely faithfully; it would have to be a retrospective approximation. If I had to guess, besides saying half my friends at the time, I’d also add Chrissie Hynde (who simultaneously terrified me), Wendy & Lisa of the Revolution, and Suzanne Vega for starters.
6. Current crush: Besides my wife? No one. But I am held in awe by a lot of young women who are as brilliant and brave as they are easy on the eyes, and I find that incredibly sexy. Those who immediately come to mind: Janelle Monae, Lizzo, Kate McKinnon, Indya Moore.
7. Latest fave find: We Are Wild probiotic skincare. I rarely if ever find a skincare product worth talking about, but this line of cleansers and moisturizer has helped my skin a lot, and they're solid roll-ons, so easy to carry around in your bag.
8. Last thing you lost: My hearing. Or losing it, anyway.
9. Best thing that happened recently: I signed my book contract.
10. Looking forward to: In the long run? The end of this hellscape administration. Hope to god it means we get a sane and humane president and Senate and House. I hope that's not too tall an order, but that's what I look forward to.
A risk worth taking...forward to a friend!