Also, accepting whenever fractured relationships finally break — after our mother's passing in September of 2020, my twin brother issued a no contact order against me. It's a long drawn out story (mom's relationship with my SIL was strained, to say the least) but I'll be honest, I was gobsmacked at how quickly OUR relationship devolved after mom's death and it messed me up big time. There's nothing I could do to salvage it (believe me, I've tried) and (thanks to the rest of my family, friends, and angry therapy sessions) I respect his "choice" to allow our once super-close relationship to devolve. What hurts more is how he's turned his back on his nieces and nephew or even acknowledged his grand nieces. I stopped blaming myself for that, too. I can't help but mourn for his loss(es) and mine. Thank you for sharing your story, Benish!
I'm sorry you had to go through this. The complexities of familial relationships are deep and how often we're all blind sighted is a reminder of that. Sending you lots of healing.
Sep 11, 2023Liked by Margit Detweiler, Benish Shah, Liz Thompson
Lovely post! When my kids were little, I'd tell them "I love you just the way you are." As they grew, I changed it to "I love you as you are now and as you're becoming" — because it's so important to feel like you can change and still be loved.
Sep 11, 2023Liked by Margit Detweiler, Benish Shah, Liz Thompson
This is really a great piece. I have a lot of friends from decades ago who I don’t connect with as much now. It could be that we just haven’t taken the time to learn who we each are today.
I've found that there are certain old friends that I "outgrew" - but before I make that call, I do my best to take stock of the friendship and assess how much effort I've put in and what value the relationship brings/could bring.
This is a great post but I wish it would incorporate more areas of life when relationships are strained: Divorce, illness, caregiving and death of parents. It's more so after these time periods that the relationship is oft to break but also allows the opportunity to grow. How one grows from the pain and adjusts the relationship is the guidance we need.
Thank you for this. I think it's so hard to incorporate all the different turns that life takes, and we can only speak to the experiences we've had. Growing from pain - and moments of joy - are challenging in so many ways.
GREAT post! Definitely wish I'd been taught more about this. Maybe it's something that therapists should mention when you're working on family issues.
Agreed! We often talk about setting boundaries - perhaps one of those boundaries is for ourselves that helps us see when we're holding on too tight.
Also, accepting whenever fractured relationships finally break — after our mother's passing in September of 2020, my twin brother issued a no contact order against me. It's a long drawn out story (mom's relationship with my SIL was strained, to say the least) but I'll be honest, I was gobsmacked at how quickly OUR relationship devolved after mom's death and it messed me up big time. There's nothing I could do to salvage it (believe me, I've tried) and (thanks to the rest of my family, friends, and angry therapy sessions) I respect his "choice" to allow our once super-close relationship to devolve. What hurts more is how he's turned his back on his nieces and nephew or even acknowledged his grand nieces. I stopped blaming myself for that, too. I can't help but mourn for his loss(es) and mine. Thank you for sharing your story, Benish!
I'm sorry you had to go through this. The complexities of familial relationships are deep and how often we're all blind sighted is a reminder of that. Sending you lots of healing.
Lovely post! When my kids were little, I'd tell them "I love you just the way you are." As they grew, I changed it to "I love you as you are now and as you're becoming" — because it's so important to feel like you can change and still be loved.
This is so lovely! I'm going to incorporate this with my nieces.
This is really a great piece. I have a lot of friends from decades ago who I don’t connect with as much now. It could be that we just haven’t taken the time to learn who we each are today.
I've found that there are certain old friends that I "outgrew" - but before I make that call, I do my best to take stock of the friendship and assess how much effort I've put in and what value the relationship brings/could bring.
This is a great post but I wish it would incorporate more areas of life when relationships are strained: Divorce, illness, caregiving and death of parents. It's more so after these time periods that the relationship is oft to break but also allows the opportunity to grow. How one grows from the pain and adjusts the relationship is the guidance we need.
Thank you for this. I think it's so hard to incorporate all the different turns that life takes, and we can only speak to the experiences we've had. Growing from pain - and moments of joy - are challenging in so many ways.